I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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