after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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