She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
