allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
