my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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