I think i peed on brittanys purse
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
