you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
