I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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