Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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