I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
