when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
