My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
