I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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