my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
