No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
