My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
