My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
