Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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