That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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