my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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