You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dear god my vagina.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
