My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
