there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
