i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
