yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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