It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
