they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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