Soap is not a condiment
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
