Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
