So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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