Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
