His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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