Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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