I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
