People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
