he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
