Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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