maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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