I look better un-naked...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Can you bring me the toilet please
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
