her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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