I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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