New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
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