we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
