you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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