Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
