My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
