how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
