Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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