if i can run in heels then i can drive
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
