dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
